steven l. 3

meredith

autumn's dog

There are no less than six characters mentioned in Austin's "Autumn's Dog", and it's only a paragraph long. I smell spinoffs, and they smell like bacon. Delicious!

steven l. 2

john c. reilly

Being the smallest cog in the wheel of a rapidly growing company has its plusses and minuses. When you don't report to a direct supervisor, and no one knows exactly what you do, or even the title of your position, the likelihood of your termination increases, but you also end up with plenty of time to, say, spend a whole day drawing a caricature of John C. Reilly in Adobe Illustrator. For instance.

doctor

steven l.

tuesdays with june 3

The following is a transcript of the third in a series of interviews with my cat, in which she reminisces about her pre-adoptive life. We call it "Tuesdays with June".

NEWMANPICTURESBLOG: ...ere again with June. Hello, June.

JUNE: Guten morgen.

NPB: I see we have a guest here, today.

JUNE: That's right. This is Fräulein Gerda.

NPB: Hello there.

JUNE: Gerda, shake.

NPB: Nice to...say, that's quite a grip.

FRÄULEIN GERDA: Glag.



NPB: Now, June, I've heard a rumor.

JUNE: ...

NPB: A little bird told me you've got a crush on someone...

JUNE: I'm not following.

NPB: I'm referring to a certain scruffy, male celebrity that starred in the television show Dawson's Creek...

JUNE: You'll have to be more specific.

NPB: Joshua Jackson.

JUNE: Are you referring to James Van Der Beek?

NPB: What? No, Joshua Jackson.

JUNE: Well, I wouldn't kick him off the windowsill. You can print that.



NPB: (laughs) So, last time we discussed your parents.

JUNE: Did we?

NPB: Briefly. And now, I'd like to ask you about your living situation as a kitten.

JUNE: That's fine.

NPB: ...

JUNE: ...

NPB: ...What was your living situation as a kitten?

JUNE: It was fine.

NPB: Really?

JUNE: Yes. I was a little thirsty, maybe.

NPB: But, uh, weren't you brought up in a house with two hundred other cats? That's what I was told by the Humane Society.

JUNE: Next question.

NPB: Those conditions couldn't have been ideal...

JUNE: Gerda!

NPB: Aack!



FRÄULEIN GERDA: Moo-ha-ha.

NPB: Ow, OWWW! June, tell her to let me go!

JUNE: You're in no position to make demands.

Join us next time for the first part of the "Tuesdays with Jeff" series, when I take pleasure in extracting sensitive information from my captor with the help of Fräulein Gerda.

what stinks

the dog vanilla

Today's story, "The Dog Vanilla", by Erin, is the Stairway to Heaven of the dog-pickle-t-shirt series. It's a perfectly charming story, if read in a conventional manner, but holding it up to a mirror reveals profane backward writing that exalts "The Father of Lies" and his "obsidian works". Bill Cosby, I'll never doubt you again. Kids really do say the darndest things.

sesame strip

pig

the four friends

The black shirt kept him warm.
The pickle reminded him of home.
Anonymous's "The Four Friends"...

that was quick

Behold, the completed Reginald puppet! Swim goggles and bathing suit sold separately.

more cowbell

Last Christmas, my brother informed me that I'd be receiving a belated gift, and that this gift would absolutely rock my freaking world. Turns out he was right: it's a Reginald puppet, constructed by the good folks over at Puppet Planet! While not quite finished (horns, nostrils, and sweater vest/polo shirt combo are forthcoming), it's already the coolest thing ever. Yes, cooler than that.

al

dog and penguin

J'accuse, Dillon. "Dog and Penguin" is a brazen rip-off of my in-development book, Gourd and Tugboat, about a gourd and a tugboat. You'll be hearing from my lawyers. Good day, sir.

I said good day!

the big dog

I tried very hard to come up with a biting introduction for "The Big Dog", but its cuteness thwarted all my attempts. So, I had to resort to Plan B: canceling author Nicholas's birthday, forever. Tough luck, man.

wedding singer

I was in Poughkeepsie, New York for my sister's graduation a couple weeks ago. After the ceremony, we (my father, my brother, his girlfriend, and my sister, Rachel) went to The Olive Garden for dinner. While we were looking over the menu, my father nudged me.

"Don't you want to ask Rachel something?", he said.

"Oh, yeah," I replied. "Do you want to sing at my wedding, Rach?"

Now, my sister has been performing most of her life. She's been involved with theater productions and choral groups since elementary school. So, I was certain that she'd at least agree, if not jump at the opportunity, to participate in the ceremony.

"Can I get back to you?", she asked.

"Uh...Okay".

We ordered our food, and moved on to other topics of conversation, but eventually came back around to the wedding. I mentioned that Jodi and I are going to be programming our own music for the reception with an iPod, instead of hiring a DJ.

"Oh", my sister said. "Does that mean I don't have to sing?"

"What?" I said.

"Does that mean I don't have to sing at the wedding?"

And then it clicked. "You thought I was asking you to be our wedding singer?"

She ate another breadstick. I took that as a yes.

a dog name floppy and a lion name cody and a pickle name ody

If you read just one anthropomorphic pickle story this year, make it "A Dog Name Floppy and a Lion Name Cody and a Pickle Name Ody", written by the eponymous Cody (who is not, in fact, a lion; he's totally a kid, I met him).