Monday, July 30, 2007

in the woods up north

Both hunters and hunted alike agree: Taylor's "In the Woods Up North" is "the most explosive story of the summer (Dead Squirrel, Dead Squirrel in a Stew Pot Monthly)", and "a real trip...pack your bags (Eustas X. Jones, The Crazy Old Hermiter)!".

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

jeff goldblum hurt me in a way i'm not prepared to talk about

For the last time, Nanny: I don’t want to talk about it. We’ve put the whole thing behind us. What? No. Forget it. I just finished telling you how painful it was, and now you want me to relive the entire excruciating ordeal? I’m not the one who brought it up! Forget it. No. Can we please change the subject?

What's that supposed to mean? Sure, Caitlin's fine. Of course she’s fine. Because she's my wife, Nanny. Why wouldn’t she be fine? Everyone’s fine. Everything’s perfect. The neighborhood is perfect. The new house is perfect. White picket fence. We love it. Yes.

Who told you about that? It’s nothing. Why would he tell you about that? It’s nothing. I can’t believe he’d tell you about that. Why does he care? It’s a gap. There’s a gap beneath the back door that’s letting all these flies into the kitchen. That’s it. Someone’s coming to take a look at it next week. End of story.

Why would you say something like that? It’s not ironic. It’s a coincidence, at best. Irony is...hold on...a literary or rhetorical device, in which there is a gap or incongruity between what a speaker or a writer says and what is generally understood, either at the time, or in the later context of history. What’s that? How does the reliability of Wikipedia pertain to this conversation? How do you even know about Wikipedia? What were you doing in a chat room for Dungeons & Dragons?

My point is, why would you go out of your way to say something like that? So what if everyone was thinking it? I can’t stop people from thinking things. You’re right, I can’t stop people from saying things, either, but I can hang up the phone. I’m entitled to hang up my phone. No, it’s not a, it’s not not a threat according to Wikipedia. Damn it, Nanny, it doesn’t matter that Jeff Goldblum was in The Fly! It matters that you’d feel the need to say that he was in The Fly, and that it’s ironic that we have a fly infestation in the kitchen, which it isn’t. It’s a coincidence, at best.

Because it’s cruel. Yes, it is. Yes, it is. Yes, it is. Beef Stroganoff. Yes, it is.

I’m upset because you won’t drop it. What do you want me to say? You want to hear how I can’t even watch Independence Day anymore without getting sick to my stomach? Nanny? You know how much I love Independence Day. Every time I hear Bill Pullman’s final speech to the Air Force, I feel like hijacking a crop duster and crashing it into an alien mothership. Besides Tootsie and Solarbabies, there aren’t too many movies that can make me want to to kill extraterrestrials.

Say again?

Yes, he was good in Spaceballs, too. No, not Spaceballs 2. They never made Spaceballs 2.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Monday, July 16, 2007

the dog with a black shirt with a pickle

Put your fingers together for "The Dog With a Black Shirt With a Pickle", by Talia. Can you dig it?

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

the dog who found a pickle and shirt

I applaud the author of our next story, Derek, for coming clean about his addiction to performance-enhancing drugs, albeit in a "fictional" work titled "The Dog Who Found a Pickle and Shirt". It certainly explains why he was able to kick seven home runs in the fifteen minute kickball game I participated in during my visit to Omro Elementary.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Monday, July 9, 2007

Thursday, July 5, 2007

Monday, July 2, 2007

the pickle stealer

Based on circumstantial evidence presented in tonight's story, Spencer's "The Pickle Stealer", the dog was sentenced to three years hard time in the Columbia Correctional Institution in Portage, Wisconsin. Fortunately, the prison transport bus overturned on an icy road, allowing him to escape and, eventually, track down the real culprit behind the pickle larceny, Ryan. Before Ryan was carted away, post-arraignment, he was heard to shout "I'll pickle steal you Hell!" Authorities are still unclear as to the meaning of the threat, but remain vigilant.