Friday, June 29, 2007

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

autumn's dog

There are no less than six characters mentioned in Austin's "Autumn's Dog", and it's only a paragraph long. I smell spinoffs, and they smell like bacon. Delicious!

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Monday, June 25, 2007

john c. reilly

Being the smallest cog in the wheel of a rapidly growing company has its plusses and minuses. When you don't report to a direct supervisor, and no one knows exactly what you do, or even the title of your position, the likelihood of your termination increases, but you also end up with plenty of time to, say, spend a whole day drawing a caricature of John C. Reilly in Adobe Illustrator. For instance.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

tuesdays with june 3

The following is a transcript of the third in a series of interviews with my cat, in which she reminisces about her pre-adoptive life. We call it "Tuesdays with June".

NEWMANPICTURESBLOG: ...ere again with June. Hello, June.

JUNE: Guten morgen.

NPB: I see we have a guest here, today.

JUNE: That's right. This is Fräulein Gerda.

NPB: Hello there.

JUNE: Gerda, shake.

NPB: Nice to...say, that's quite a grip.


NPB: Now, June, I've heard a rumor.

JUNE: ...

NPB: A little bird told me you've got a crush on someone...

JUNE: I'm not following.

NPB: I'm referring to a certain scruffy, male celebrity that starred in the television show Dawson's Creek...

JUNE: You'll have to be more specific.

NPB: Joshua Jackson.

JUNE: Are you referring to James Van Der Beek?

NPB: What? No, Joshua Jackson.

JUNE: Well, I wouldn't kick him off the windowsill. You can print that.

NPB: (laughs) So, last time we discussed your parents.

JUNE: Did we?

NPB: Briefly. And now, I'd like to ask you about your living situation as a kitten.

JUNE: That's fine.

NPB: ...

JUNE: ...

NPB: ...What was your living situation as a kitten?

JUNE: It was fine.

NPB: Really?

JUNE: Yes. I was a little thirsty, maybe.

NPB: But, uh, weren't you brought up in a house with two hundred other cats? That's what I was told by the Humane Society.

JUNE: Next question.

NPB: Those conditions couldn't have been ideal...

JUNE: Gerda!

NPB: Aack!


NPB: Ow, OWWW! June, tell her to let me go!

JUNE: You're in no position to make demands.

Join us next time for the first part of the "Tuesdays with Jeff" series, when I take pleasure in extracting sensitive information from my captor with the help of Fräulein Gerda.

what stinks

Monday, June 18, 2007

the dog vanilla

Today's story, "The Dog Vanilla", by Erin, is the Stairway to Heaven of the dog-pickle-t-shirt series. It's a perfectly charming story, if read in a conventional manner, but holding it up to a mirror reveals profane backward writing that exalts "The Father of Lies" and his "obsidian works". Bill Cosby, I'll never doubt you again. Kids really do say the darndest things.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

the four friends

The black shirt kept him warm.
The pickle reminded him of home.
Anonymous's "The Four Friends"...

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

that was quick

Behold, the completed Reginald puppet! Swim goggles and bathing suit sold separately.

Monday, June 11, 2007

more cowbell

Last Christmas, my brother informed me that I'd be receiving a belated gift, and that this gift would absolutely rock my freaking world. Turns out he was right: it's a Reginald puppet, constructed by the good folks over at Puppet Planet! While not quite finished (horns, nostrils, and sweater vest/polo shirt combo are forthcoming), it's already the coolest thing ever. Yes, cooler than that.

Thursday, June 7, 2007

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

dog and penguin

J'accuse, Dillon. "Dog and Penguin" is a brazen rip-off of my in-development book, Gourd and Tugboat, about a gourd and a tugboat. You'll be hearing from my lawyers. Good day, sir.

I said good day!

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

the big dog

I tried very hard to come up with a biting introduction for "The Big Dog", but its cuteness thwarted all my attempts. So, I had to resort to Plan B: canceling author Nicholas's birthday, forever. Tough luck, man.

Monday, June 4, 2007

wedding singer

I was in Poughkeepsie, New York for my sister's graduation a couple weeks ago. After the ceremony, we (my father, my brother, his girlfriend, and my sister, Rachel) went to The Olive Garden for dinner. While we were looking over the menu, my father nudged me.

"Don't you want to ask Rachel something?", he said.

"Oh, yeah," I replied. "Do you want to sing at my wedding, Rach?"

Now, my sister has been performing most of her life. She's been involved with theater productions and choral groups since elementary school. So, I was certain that she'd at least agree, if not jump at the opportunity, to participate in the ceremony.

"Can I get back to you?", she asked.


We ordered our food, and moved on to other topics of conversation, but eventually came back around to the wedding. I mentioned that Jodi and I are going to be programming our own music for the reception with an iPod, instead of hiring a DJ.

"Oh", my sister said. "Does that mean I don't have to sing?"

"What?" I said.

"Does that mean I don't have to sing at the wedding?"

And then it clicked. "You thought I was asking you to be our wedding singer?"

She ate another breadstick. I took that as a yes.

Friday, June 1, 2007

a dog name floppy and a lion name cody and a pickle name ody

If you read just one anthropomorphic pickle story this year, make it "A Dog Name Floppy and a Lion Name Cody and a Pickle Name Ody", written by the eponymous Cody (who is not, in fact, a lion; he's totally a kid, I met him).